Personal Boundaries & Trust Walks

This past week in YESS we continued our unit on relationships by discussing what our personal boundaries are- how to identify these boundaries, how to set healthy boundaries in our various relationships, and how best to clarify our expectations for personal boundaries and what to do should someone violate our boundaries and, "cross the line." The scholars were quiet at first, but as each individual shared out at least one personal boundary, the class excitement and energy grew. We made a list of all the "no-go" boundaries in our lives, and the list kept growing as we continued to talk. Many began opening up as to why they felt they needed a certain boundary, which in turn encouraged other, more reserved scholars to open up about their needs and experiences.

We discussed different types of boundaries--mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual- and the need to communicate our desires about these boundaries to others in order to form healthy, balanced relationships. Some commonly shared boundaries amongst our scholars were against negative behaviors and/or beliefs that they feel act as boundaries to personal success. Examples include individuals who lie, cheat, steal, abuse others, use drugs, smoke cigarettes, gossip, bully, homophobic individuals or those who do not believe in LGBTQ rights, aggressive individuals and gang members. We also discussed boundaries against behaviors that make us physically uncomfortable, such those who invade our personal space without asking by way of hugs or intimate touches that feel unwarranted.

Overall, the classes thoroughly enjoyed our talks on personal boundaries. Many felt validated when I told them they had a right to feel upset should someone cross one of their personal boundaries. Perhaps the most pertinent part of the lesson was not necessarily identifying these boundaries, but our discussion on what to do next if someone crosses a personal boundary. When I asked how it felt when an individual crosses one of our personal boundaries (and what one should do), I was met with a pretty unanimous feeling of frustration and anger. Very few were able to articulate what they say and do in this situation; the majority said they tend to be reactionary once someone has "crossed a line."

We took a day to unpack these feelings around boundaries and how to proceed in a manner best suited to progress-that is, not falling prey to reactionary emotions in that moment. We identified, as a class, ways to cope and to protect our emotions. Scholars noted the need to clarify what one's boundaries are from the start of a relationship so that issues don't just "crop up" suddenly; rather, each person is certain what the other's boundaries are, and, more importantly, what will happen as a result of crossing this understood boundary. We decided that the best method would be to distance ourselves from those who fail to respect our boundaries, and that we need to be cautious and clear communicators when forming new relationships.

To complete our week, we did a "trust walk" where the mentees and mentors each took turns being blindfolded and lead through the maze by simply listening to the voice of his or her partner. I even participated with my student assistant's help, and everyone was over the moon with laughter and joy as I blindly stumbled around the classroom. Afterward we all discussed how the blindfold made us uneasy, though everyone trusted that his or her partner would take them safely through the maze. It was a very fun day to bookend our week discussing boundaries and trust in relationships!